Ten anecdotes in defense of higher waistbands

1. Caroline is four weeks old and we're at an organized baby playgroup. We're all sitting on the floor, trying to keep our babies entertained while we discuss every aspect of breastfeeding. When we get to the rules of thumb for storing breast milk my attention wanes. I count out of a possible twelve, there are nine behinds, or nine portions of behinds, on display. And they aren't baby behinds.

2. I'm seven months pregnant with Katherine, my second. I'm pretty elephant-like and am co-teaching an undergraduate English class. I introduce a new plan for discussion where everyone will sit on the floor and discuss the week's reading in a more casual setting - an attempt to encourage the shy students to participate. The plan is met with great resistance. "That's gonna be really hard for me with the pants I wear!" one student exclaims. Other students join in, saying their pants are not made for sitting on the floor. "If I can sit on the floor, you can," I answer. I suggest next time they wear long shirts. We all sit on the floor and I avert my eyes so I won't count the number of cracks.

3. Katherine is two and we're driving home. Out the car window she sees a gardener leaning over a flower bed, half of his behind hanging out of his jeans. "Poopy!" she says, giggling.

4. I'm at a playdate with four-year-old Caroline who is sporting a new pair of snazzy jeans. Suddenly, I hear the playmate shouting, "I can see Caroline's butt!"  When we get home we put the jeans away, never to be worn again. They end up in the bag for Goodwill four years later.

5. In a PTA meeting, the mom sitting next to me stands up and leans across me to pass a handout to someone in the row in front of us. Her lacy black thong and the top of her crack jumps out of the top of her conservative pants.

6. I'm pushing my grocery cart through the parking lot. A teenager, jeans belted below his behind, comes across a curb in the parking lot. He stops and contemplates the situation. He tries to lift his leg over, but his pants restrict his movement too much. Eventually, he swings his leg on top of the curb and then awkwardly swings the other one up. As he steps down on the other side he trips and falls.

7. I'm volunteering at the Kindergarten Valentine Day's High Tea. The girls wear their best dresses and the boys sport ties and jackets. As I pass out the tea sandwiches I catch a glimpse of another mom volunteer reaching up to get something from a high shelf which results in her shirt being hiked up and her flesh-colored thong and top of her crack getting a full view of the Kinders elegant High Tea.

8. I'm walking Caroline into second-grade. Students are busy putting their jackets, backpacks and lunches away. One boy throws his lunch box, missing the lunch bin. When he reaches down to pick up the lunch box, the back of his pants drop down, revealing the entire back of his checkered underwear.

9. I'm at Home Depot inspecting door handles when a gentleman next to me leans over to get something on a lower shelf and his already low-slung jeans slip all the way down, revealing his entire hairy, white behind to all the other door handle shoppers.

10. When I bring home some new pants for Caroline to try on, she immediately sits down with her legs crossed and asks, "do they pass the test?" which is code for "is my crack showing?" After the pants pass the first test she leans over, touching her hands to the floor, and says, "how about this test?"



This post is participating in